Mars, Venus and everywhere in between

I AM NOT SEXIST!!!!! I just wanted to get that out there before I jump into this piece. I don’t anticipate that it will do any good, but I just wanted to have documented proof that I declared that fact. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way… goes nothing.

I am putting out a call, to anyone who can assist be in enhancing my understanding of women. I want to be able to have an anxiety free interaction with women where I understand what they’re saying, what they’re not saying (ESPECIALLY what they’re not saying), and,oh yeah, understand what they’re saying (did I already say that?)

I guess my point will best me made if I gave a couple of examples.

I want to understand what some women are saying, especially at those times when they’re saying something that they think you desperately HAVE to know. The problem here is that, for some women, the “interestingness” of the information has an inverse relationship to the volume with which they share that information. Take for example, this lady I worked with at one time. One day, I stop by her cube and we were having a very nice conversation about our families, plans for the weekend and other such small talk (what can I say, I’m a friendly guy). Things were going along “swimmingly” as they say, when I began to realize that I wasn’t hearing her very well anymore. The woman started whispering, actually not really whispering, but that is the softest voice I know how to describe, and she was way below that. In addition to which, I noticed she began shaking her head in this jerky fashion and giving me these “you know what I mean” kinda looks. She was even laughing at times. I was on the verge of calling 911 when I realized that she was NOT having some sort of breakdown, but rather she was actually talking to me. I tried to follow along. When that didn’t work out, I defaulted to some well timed hmmms, aaahhhhs, and looks of complete incredulity. This approach worked to at least make her think I had a clue as to what on God’s green earth she was talking about. I was “saved” by a couple of other women who walked up and joined the “conversation”. It was a sight to behold, a silent, head-shaking, giggling affair which I could never be a part of. It was a pity though, from the looks of things I think I missed out on some funny stuff. Oh well…..

The next thing women do is that they speak in these codes that only they can decipher. My wife for example, is pretty adept at this (as a side note, if I am not heard from after publishing this, well it’s been a nice ride). Anyway, some years after we were married, we make plans to do this thing. We were both looking forward to the thing, we talked about the thing…we were just plain excited. As it turned out, something came up and we could no longer do what we planned. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, it was just one of those things that happen. Of course I had to break the news to her. She promptly expressed her displeasure, indicating that she did not appreciate this new development, actually what she said was “I doh like dem kinda ting nah”……..hmmmmm. Now I like to think that I’m a reasonable sort, and I think that , being a reasonable sort, I reasonably interpreted that response to mean “I strongly suggest that you fix this”.I love my wife very much, so I was determined to make sure that the thing we were both looking forward to was not dead in the water. I was able to “fix the thing”. I came home all excited that the thing was back on. After all, weren’t we both very anxious about the thing? Weren’t we both disappointed when we found out the thing could not take place? Did she not express her OBVIOUS displeasure that the thing was no longer on? Well that’s what I thought too. After I broke my fantastic news, I got a decidedly cool reception. A few minutes later she came outside to the living room where I was and said…………….”I doh like dem kinda ting”……..aaaarrrrrggghhhh.

So you see my predicament….damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Its a desperate situation. I need help. I have a theory though. I think women are born with a small embedded program which allows them to devise new, devious ways to confuse men. This is evident from very young. My 4 year old daughter, for example, is a huge fan of Dora the Explorer. She picks up a few Spanish words, which she uses on us. One of her favorite things to do is try to block us from getting by and insisting we must say the magic word (abre – open) to get by. So my wife goes up, says “abre” and gets by. I come along, say “abre” and I get a resounding “No, that is not the magic word daddy”. Now you tell me that this is not some sort of conspiracy.

As soon as I’m done here I’m going to browse the iTunes store. If there is a device that an help me, it has to be my iPhone. I refuse to give up…….there has to be an app for that.


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2 Responses to “Mars, Venus and everywhere in between”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Nice writing, I have no answer on the women thing, being a tom boy in my youth, I think I developed a male gene, that on most days, makes me think that women are totally confused and confusing, but then my own estrogen kicks in when I least expect it and I turn into one of them myself!!! So boy, I hope you find that app. Katyan :-)(Maritime)

  2. laurel Says:

    brother you just confused. i doh see how from "i doh like dem ting nah" you got " let me go and fix this problem". all you had to say was "me neither"…lol

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